I can't believe how stubborn some people can be. Regardless of what course of action you take in order to enlighten them, they all prove to be fruitless attempts. I suppose that is my flaw as well, I always want to make the other party understand, regardless of their level of stubbornness.

You might say, why don't you just clearly say to them that they're a stubborn fool? I tried. And I'm certain this person will proudly say that they are indeed stubborn and a fool and will not change who they are. See? This is ridiculous. This person has some serious issues that they can't deal with.

Every. Single. Advice. That I give was either rejected or ignored. Every. Single. Comment. Was counter-attacked. I've given up. There is no way such a person can ever be changed unless there's a more powerful force. Unfortunately, I am not it.

Continue on, Stubborn Fool. You might get what you want, but we'll see where that will get you.

It's time...

Mortality. It's not a common topic to be discussed, especially so openly within a conservative community. It needs to be ingrained in tradition and culture before it can fully be embraced. But before it can be accepted at such a large scale, it needs to be understood at the smallest scale possible, ourselves. 

And time. Have you ever pondered your life as a series of film reels? And then wondered how you could possibly remember the things you experienced when you were 3 to suddenly break off from your dream-state to your office desk staring at a computer screen? The notion of time is almost invisible at this point. 

Time is immortal. Yet, our decaying bodies are not. I've never been so close to death, nor seen it, and truthfully, I probably wouldn't like to either. But as time passes by, slowly, slowly, us mortals will be swallowed by the earth and left behind as memories. It's even harder when we are suspended in time and mortality. Unable to leave and determine to stay. 

I'm sorry for the rather cryptic and confusing post. I'm merely trying to collect my own thoughts on what has been happening and what will happen, perhaps some time soon too. Everything's so sombre right now. I don't think I even have the time to comprehend that this is affecting my work life. But I think it is better to let go of the thoughts rather than bear the burden even longer.

My grandmother is currently not in the best state, physically. Psychologically, she is searching for something before letting go of this mortal world. We don't know what yet, but she is definitely clinging onto something. 

I heard of her situation not too long ago, but even then she was still physically able to move and talk and hold conversations albeit a little off topic and random. Oftentimes she would mistake one person for another, but at the very least she was still able to recollect from her memory banks. But yesterday, she suddenly took turn for the worse and couldn't speak nor wake up, the only things she could move were her fingers. And she looks perpetually asleep. 

I'm not physically where she is right now because I'm overseas but I think I'm comforted by the fact that most of her family members are there, especially her children. But I don't think I'll be able to see her when I go back for the holidays at the end of this year. 

And yet, I think I'm content with the idea. She has had a long and plentiful life. She has lived long enough to enjoy and give her two-cents. But she's still hanging on, for something, for someone. I just hope she finds that person/thing soon, because the idea of her lying there unable to wake up and let go of this world pains me more than knowing she has let herself go to a better place.

Let's hope she finds whatever she needs to find. And soon.

The Past Caught Up

This was essentially a story that I wrote when I was in high school as an exercise given by our teachers. I believe it was to sharpen our similes, metaphors and overall creative writing skills. And I'm happy to say it was a story that I was quite proud of. The only problem was I could remember the fundamentals of it but couldn't find the original so I rewrote this. I probably lack the same originality as the earlier version but I think it has the same spirit. In any case, enjoy. :)

The waves crashed loudly onto the side of the rocks. Down by the sandy beach the water swayed harshly back and forth. The wind is picking up, thought the lonely figure standing safely where the water cannot claw at him. 

The man looked on, onto the vast sea, the strong wind accompanied his gaze.

He stood for a long time. Remembering. Remembering the time before the decaying fences barricaded the edge where the sand meet the people. Remembering the time when everyone's favourite pastime was to lay on the golden dunes and embrace the warmth of the sun.

Remembering that one faithful day when he thought the world was against him and that Death whispered so closely in his ear.

That day, that wonderful day when the wind was none and the sun was friendly. And the waters, the waters were just heavenly to the touch. He pedalled and pedalled, on and on towards the distance, as the water touched his arms and the waves crashed against his young body he welcomed them all and waited for the biggest wave he can catch on his sturdy board.

But alas, no wave came but one cruel jerk, pulled him under as he hopelessly tried to cling onto the board. There was madness as he called for help, waved his hands violently, kicked and trashed to escape from whatever was holding onto him. In the distance he could see him. 

Brother! Help! The words formed in his mind, but he wasn't sure whether the voice came out of his mouth. I'm going to die, that was the only thing that ran through him. The hopelessness. 

The figure swam closer and closer. The water trashed even more than before. The wave crashed between the three figures. Limbs. Grey. Skin. Scale. Legs. Fins. He knew he could not stop moving. He kept kicking, punching at all cost. Regardless of what he kicked or punched. All he could see was just masses of limbs and hard scaly solid amongst the water. 

Soon enough he ran out of energy and the last thing he saw was sharp teeth and his brother and then blackness engulfed him. And that was the last thing he remembered of that day.

Now, the man edged forward as he noticed a small piece of wood lying amongst the sand. He picked it up and realised it was a part of a sign, the word 'beware' adorning it. He stared at it for a little while and a small smile came across his face. 

From behind him above the sandy beach on the paved road a car sounded its horn and he turned at the loud interruption. It was his brother calling him to get into the car. The man walked towards the road with the piece of wood clutched beside him and climbed out of the fence. As he was about to reach the car, he placed the board above another sign, straighten it, walked to the car and they drove away.

As he passed he glanced once more at the beach and the 'Beware of Sharks' sign and thought about it no more.

A Present Musing

I have to say, I admire my past self for making the effort to write at least one blog post every week but the content seems to be very trivial and messy and incoherent most of the times. I suppose that just reflects who I was (and probably still is). Misspelled words, bad sentence structures, convoluted storytelling. All the making of horrible writing skills.

But even though I grimaced at my writing I actually am rather amused at how persistent my younger self was at updating the blog. I can't say the same to the present me. Writing has become a chore. It took too much time and too much effort. Regardless of how interesting a topic I wish to examine I always consider writing down my thoughts almost unnecessary because (to my mind) no one would read it.

Not necessarily true. Because these musings have become an entertainment to the future me. They're not necessarily great writing but they provide me with a window to my past. How I went through my early days. An archive of my younger years. But I suppose I became slightly wiser on my choice of topics now (hoping here). And I digress, instead I should start with a topic to opine. Something to toggle that brain of mine with reasonings and arguments.

On the other hand, I feel apprehensive about posting my own thoughts. What if this suddenly becomes a gateway to personal hatred or worse internet trolling? The possibilities are of course there after all, granted, the chance of it being very slim. I suppose I should make the effort first even if it dwindles towards the end at least I should be happy with the thought that I have made an attempt. Like now.

Well that's just nice of you...

So, I've actually have written a rather cryptic post on the same thing that I will be writing in this particular post as well on my other blog. I still am not able to comprehend the matter so I shall write here and release all my opinion (or ramblings) over here in greater detail. I apologise beforehand if this will take a very long time to read.

Well, long story short, I obtained a new gadget recently which replaced my other gadget, ok fine let's be honest, I bought a new laptop to replace my old, years-worn, lagging, absolutely outdated laptop and furthermore I have owned my previous laptop close to 5 years now and still love it nonetheless (though it is in another's loving possession at the moment). I was excited but I did not want to reveal to the world that I have obtained this fascinating new baby, though having said that I hinted and tweeted. I think that was my first fault in this whole business, Twitter. But even then I still cannot comprehend their behaviour for calling me in such a profane language.

Anyway, I initially did not tell the world I have gotten this new item and left it at "my new baby has arrived" vague comment. And even then I did not reveal anything until someone asked me. Well either way, they voiced their opinion saying that they were jealous of the fact that I have obtained a new laptop and I quite clearly tried to steer away from the subject knowing how previously they said they wanted one for themselves prior to me obtaining the new laptop. Apparently, steering away the subject from such a person is useless. They didn't pester me about it, they hold a "grudge" instead.

In this way, we have the main outline of what happened, I obtained a new product, they got jealous but still polite, a couple of polite conversations ensued, until their sudden outburst whilst conversing on instant messenger by the use of the word, "b*tch". I was perplexed for a second thinking the outburst is due to some workplace conflict/s and/or person/s. So I clearly said to the person that I was hoping that particular sentiment is not directed towards me. Oh how wrong I was. Without a word of apology they continued with stating how they're still "holding a grudge" against me for obtaining this new laptop that I badly needed.

This got me thinking, did they genuinely filled that particular word with mockery or, worse, hatred? Although such a word have never been said in front of my face I would probably not mind as much if they were said in light mockery but however much I tried to interpret it I just could not. I think it is mostly because I have never encountered anyone previously who have said that word clearly to my (not per se) face. Either way, I don't think the word have ever been used in light mockery, ever. Usually there's always some malicious intent underneath such a word, well, I usually associate the word in such a way.

Right now you are probably thinking that perhaps I was given my due, and I admit I might've been. But I think it was the fact that it was said by a friend that I found it quite surprising. And perhaps it is also because of my polite upbringing that restricted me from being overly rude and impolite that leaves me somehow question the intent behind this person's sudden outburst. I think it was also partly a fault of mine that as soon as that person wrote the word and found that it was intended for me that I defended myself by saying that I needed the laptop badly (politely stating it). I just believe in that particular occasion I should have left the conversation and not even bother replying. (As you can tell right about now it's not in my nature to confront and create conflict) Oh how I have wished to handle the situation differently and so do many others in the past. But alas the milk has been spilt and opinions have been exchanged there is no way that time can be reversed. Regardless, my regard and best opinion of this person would become lesser than what it used to be, much less. I have determined to slowly cease or at the very least lower the amount of contact between this person and me.

And if you are thinking how ridiculous it may seem, no, I do not have an excuse as to why you should not think so because I know no one is perfect but I can also hold a 'grudge'. I'm stubborn that way.

And another thing...

Don't ever forcibly pursue something you may never reach yet. As in a flight of stairs sometimes we run until out of breath or walk casually. But we don't jump too high because we might roll back to the bottom.

As in life, sometimes we wished too far and disappoint ourselves as we too slowly reach that final destination. But perhaps having a destination is never bad, it's just these flight of stairs have their own mind and our feet are sometimes too tired to endure. But I don't mind. I don't feel like I should be disappointed when my feet fail me or even when my mind cannot comprehend the inability of my physical self in keeping up with its speed. Because I know for certain that I will get there eventually. I run when I want and I walk when I need to but I never fail to enjoy the scenery as I slowly ascend towards the top.

PS. I sometimes feel compelled to write some cryptic motivational messages for no reason. I think there is something poignantly endearing about those words of advice in the form of metaphorical imageries. As well, they are open to interpretations.

Fear

What I fear weren't the objects that can hurt me nor the people that might despise me but rather what I fear is my inability to face the objects that can hurt me and the people that might despise me.

Fear is inherently difficult to ignore. We have phobias, aversions and dislikes. What we need to do is face all of these and turn them into our strength. But what to do when indeed what you really fear is within yourself, the inability to face them is perhaps more damaging than the objects that we fear.

We can't ignore them because life itself is full of these 'fears' but what we can is force ourselves to solve these 'fears' one by one, bit by bit until the time comes when we can finally face it. But alas, what if those are false hopes? Fear is inevitable but what we can do is put a mask above our real selves and face it. Embrace the character. Let yourself loose. Be someone. But again, don't lose yourself in the process. Because once your mask becomes too fitting and too tight against your face there is no way for it to come undone.

Be somewhere where you can take off that mask and fear now and again. Don't be scared to fear something, just persevere. Because everyone has a mask that they hide behind. You just can't distinguish them because they're all smiling.

The irony of an Asian life

Everyday you will hear about unusual weather, rains, temperatures and floodings, of course all of them are blamed upon the people's disconcerting attitude towards the environment. I was born and raised in a beautiful country, only you would only call this country beautiful through the lens and clips they show on TV. Once you have gone out of your indoor haven you are faced with the reality of the situation, you have been fooled. Roads littered with remnants of yesterday's activities, cats scavenging for pieces of food, rats running pass in front of you as if there was nothing stopping them, the air filled with filth and foreign elements.

The irony seems to be that every time we blame the government for not taking actions we didn't stop and look at what we ourselves have done. We tried to overlook the existence of our own doings. We blamed the changing climate to global warming and yet still throw our thrashes on the road. Of course you might say we have to do things one step at a time, but at this rate every time we take a step forward it feels like we're taking two steps back. At this very rate it feels like all hopes have disappeared from making this country a possible place to live. I love it, it's my home, but honestly, it's so corrupted with filth and gunk I don't think it would ever be possible to clean all of them.

Random Thoughts 002

Stupid phone scams.

Random Thoughts 001

Asia is probably the only continent where you feel like you're speeding at 40km/hr and drive normally at 100km/hr.