Well that's just nice of you...

So, I've actually have written a rather cryptic post on the same thing that I will be writing in this particular post as well on my other blog. I still am not able to comprehend the matter so I shall write here and release all my opinion (or ramblings) over here in greater detail. I apologise beforehand if this will take a very long time to read.

Well, long story short, I obtained a new gadget recently which replaced my other gadget, ok fine let's be honest, I bought a new laptop to replace my old, years-worn, lagging, absolutely outdated laptop and furthermore I have owned my previous laptop close to 5 years now and still love it nonetheless (though it is in another's loving possession at the moment). I was excited but I did not want to reveal to the world that I have obtained this fascinating new baby, though having said that I hinted and tweeted. I think that was my first fault in this whole business, Twitter. But even then I still cannot comprehend their behaviour for calling me in such a profane language.

Anyway, I initially did not tell the world I have gotten this new item and left it at "my new baby has arrived" vague comment. And even then I did not reveal anything until someone asked me. Well either way, they voiced their opinion saying that they were jealous of the fact that I have obtained a new laptop and I quite clearly tried to steer away from the subject knowing how previously they said they wanted one for themselves prior to me obtaining the new laptop. Apparently, steering away the subject from such a person is useless. They didn't pester me about it, they hold a "grudge" instead.

In this way, we have the main outline of what happened, I obtained a new product, they got jealous but still polite, a couple of polite conversations ensued, until their sudden outburst whilst conversing on instant messenger by the use of the word, "b*tch". I was perplexed for a second thinking the outburst is due to some workplace conflict/s and/or person/s. So I clearly said to the person that I was hoping that particular sentiment is not directed towards me. Oh how wrong I was. Without a word of apology they continued with stating how they're still "holding a grudge" against me for obtaining this new laptop that I badly needed.

This got me thinking, did they genuinely filled that particular word with mockery or, worse, hatred? Although such a word have never been said in front of my face I would probably not mind as much if they were said in light mockery but however much I tried to interpret it I just could not. I think it is mostly because I have never encountered anyone previously who have said that word clearly to my (not per se) face. Either way, I don't think the word have ever been used in light mockery, ever. Usually there's always some malicious intent underneath such a word, well, I usually associate the word in such a way.

Right now you are probably thinking that perhaps I was given my due, and I admit I might've been. But I think it was the fact that it was said by a friend that I found it quite surprising. And perhaps it is also because of my polite upbringing that restricted me from being overly rude and impolite that leaves me somehow question the intent behind this person's sudden outburst. I think it was also partly a fault of mine that as soon as that person wrote the word and found that it was intended for me that I defended myself by saying that I needed the laptop badly (politely stating it). I just believe in that particular occasion I should have left the conversation and not even bother replying. (As you can tell right about now it's not in my nature to confront and create conflict) Oh how I have wished to handle the situation differently and so do many others in the past. But alas the milk has been spilt and opinions have been exchanged there is no way that time can be reversed. Regardless, my regard and best opinion of this person would become lesser than what it used to be, much less. I have determined to slowly cease or at the very least lower the amount of contact between this person and me.

And if you are thinking how ridiculous it may seem, no, I do not have an excuse as to why you should not think so because I know no one is perfect but I can also hold a 'grudge'. I'm stubborn that way.

And another thing...

Don't ever forcibly pursue something you may never reach yet. As in a flight of stairs sometimes we run until out of breath or walk casually. But we don't jump too high because we might roll back to the bottom.

As in life, sometimes we wished too far and disappoint ourselves as we too slowly reach that final destination. But perhaps having a destination is never bad, it's just these flight of stairs have their own mind and our feet are sometimes too tired to endure. But I don't mind. I don't feel like I should be disappointed when my feet fail me or even when my mind cannot comprehend the inability of my physical self in keeping up with its speed. Because I know for certain that I will get there eventually. I run when I want and I walk when I need to but I never fail to enjoy the scenery as I slowly ascend towards the top.

PS. I sometimes feel compelled to write some cryptic motivational messages for no reason. I think there is something poignantly endearing about those words of advice in the form of metaphorical imageries. As well, they are open to interpretations.

Fear

What I fear weren't the objects that can hurt me nor the people that might despise me but rather what I fear is my inability to face the objects that can hurt me and the people that might despise me.

Fear is inherently difficult to ignore. We have phobias, aversions and dislikes. What we need to do is face all of these and turn them into our strength. But what to do when indeed what you really fear is within yourself, the inability to face them is perhaps more damaging than the objects that we fear.

We can't ignore them because life itself is full of these 'fears' but what we can is force ourselves to solve these 'fears' one by one, bit by bit until the time comes when we can finally face it. But alas, what if those are false hopes? Fear is inevitable but what we can do is put a mask above our real selves and face it. Embrace the character. Let yourself loose. Be someone. But again, don't lose yourself in the process. Because once your mask becomes too fitting and too tight against your face there is no way for it to come undone.

Be somewhere where you can take off that mask and fear now and again. Don't be scared to fear something, just persevere. Because everyone has a mask that they hide behind. You just can't distinguish them because they're all smiling.