Mortality. It's not a common topic to be discussed, especially so openly within a conservative community. It needs to be ingrained in tradition and culture before it can fully be embraced. But before it can be accepted at such a large scale, it needs to be understood at the smallest scale possible, ourselves.
And time. Have you ever pondered your life as a series of film reels? And then wondered how you could possibly remember the things you experienced when you were 3 to suddenly break off from your dream-state to your office desk staring at a computer screen? The notion of time is almost invisible at this point.
Time is immortal. Yet, our decaying bodies are not. I've never been so close to death, nor seen it, and truthfully, I probably wouldn't like to either. But as time passes by, slowly, slowly, us mortals will be swallowed by the earth and left behind as memories. It's even harder when we are suspended in time and mortality. Unable to leave and determine to stay.
I'm sorry for the rather cryptic and confusing post. I'm merely trying to collect my own thoughts on what has been happening and what will happen, perhaps some time soon too. Everything's so sombre right now. I don't think I even have the time to comprehend that this is affecting my work life. But I think it is better to let go of the thoughts rather than bear the burden even longer.
My grandmother is currently not in the best state, physically. Psychologically, she is searching for something before letting go of this mortal world. We don't know what yet, but she is definitely clinging onto something.
I heard of her situation not too long ago, but even then she was still physically able to move and talk and hold conversations albeit a little off topic and random. Oftentimes she would mistake one person for another, but at the very least she was still able to recollect from her memory banks. But yesterday, she suddenly took turn for the worse and couldn't speak nor wake up, the only things she could move were her fingers. And she looks perpetually asleep.
I'm not physically where she is right now because I'm overseas but I think I'm comforted by the fact that most of her family members are there, especially her children. But I don't think I'll be able to see her when I go back for the holidays at the end of this year.
And yet, I think I'm content with the idea. She has had a long and plentiful life. She has lived long enough to enjoy and give her two-cents. But she's still hanging on, for something, for someone. I just hope she finds that person/thing soon, because the idea of her lying there unable to wake up and let go of this world pains me more than knowing she has let herself go to a better place.
Let's hope she finds whatever she needs to find. And soon.
